6 Manipulative Phrases That Control You

Understanding Gaslighting and Its Impact

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic often used by emotional abusers, which gradually causes the victim to question their own judgment, feelings, memories, and reality. Because of its subtle nature, it can be challenging for victims to recognize it as it occurs. Abusers use gaslighting to gain and maintain power and control in the relationship. They erode the victim’s confidence over time by making them believe that their interpretation of events is incorrect. The more the victim second-guesses themselves, the more they begin to accept the abuser's version as the accurate one.

Therapists have highlighted how people who struggle to authentically argue their point of view or stand behind their words may resort to gaslighting as a tool. This tactic involves creating confusion, which is a sign of character weakness. The term "gaslighting" originates from the 1938 play "Gaslight" by Patrick Hamilton, later adapted into films in the 1940s. In the story, a husband tries to convince his wife she is losing her mind to distract her from his criminal behavior.

Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their perceptions, the victim becomes more likely to tolerate the abusive behavior and remain in the relationship. Beverly Engel, a psychotherapist and author, explains that gaslighting also serves as a way for the abusive partner to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. For instance, accusing the victim of flirting or being unfaithful might be a distraction from the abuser’s own infidelity.

Common Phrases Used in Gaslighting

Therapists have identified several common phrases that gaslighters use to manipulate and confuse their victims:

1. “That never happened.”
   Gaslighters will deny something abusive they did, causing the victim to doubt their own experiences. This creates a sense of dependency on the abuser’s version of reality.

2. “You’re too sensitive.”
   When the victim expresses hurt or disappointment, the abuser minimizes their feelings by labeling them as overly sensitive. This makes the victim feel foolish for standing up for themselves.

3. “You’re crazy — and other people think so, too.”
   Over time, the abuser’s lies and distortions of reality make the victim question their sanity. The abuser may also try to convince friends and family that the victim is unstable, isolating them further.

4. “You have a terrible memory.”
   Gaslighters focus on making the victim doubt their recollection of events. This strategy ensures the victim no longer trusts their own assessments, giving the abuser complete control.

5. “I’m sorry you think that I hurt you.”
   This phrase appears like an apology but is actually a way for the abuser to deflect responsibility. It shifts the blame onto the victim for misinterpreting the situation.

6. “You should have known how I would react.”
   This is another form of shifting responsibility. Instead of taking accountability for their behavior, the abuser blames the victim for not anticipating their reaction.

What to Do If Someone Is Gaslighting You

If someone is gaslighting you, it can be extremely difficult to leave a toxic relationship, especially if you've been trapped in it for a long time. However, it is possible to break free. The antidote to gaslighting is becoming more self-aware. The better you know yourself, the easier it will be to resist inaccurate statements about your experiences.

Pay attention to your gut feelings. Gaslighting can erode your confidence, making it hard to trust your instincts. But your emotions offer important clues. When you feel uneasy or tense, don’t dismiss these feelings immediately. Investigate what they might be telling you before making any decisions.

Keep records of texts and emails. Having a tangible record of the abuser’s behavior can help combat the confusion caused by gaslighting. Writing down notes from conversations can also help separate fact from fiction.

Consider calling out the behavior. Let the abuser know you see through the manipulation. For example, if they accuse you of being too sensitive, respond with confidence. However, be aware that even if you call them out, their behavior may not change.

Check in with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Ask them how they would feel if their partner treated them the same way. Look for signs that you may have changed since being with the abuser. Many victims hesitate to speak up due to fear of disloyalty, but it’s crucial to share your experiences.

Seek professional support. A mental health professional who specializes in emotional abuse can provide additional guidance and help you move forward. If you need immediate assistance, reach out to a helpline for support.