Millennial Moms Don't Have It All—They Just Do It All

The Struggle of "Having It All" in the Modern Workplace

When I was settling in for a Zoom interview, I glanced at my baby monitor and saw the unmistakable wiggle of a toddler who had pooped himself awake from a nap. I sighed and set the monitor aside, knowing I had no choice but to wait until after the call to check on him. When the meeting ended, I rushed in to clean him up and then sent my friend a photo of the three of us — my baby, myself, and my laptop. “Look at me,” I wrote wryly. “I have it all.”

This moment made me reflect on what it truly means to “have it all.” After my son was born in late 2021, I returned to work after just four months of parental leave, breast-pumping my way through phone calls and changing diapers on the sly. While I loved being close to my son and was fortunate to have a husband who thrived as a stay-at-home dad, the reality was exhausting. For every stolen midday snuggle, there were moments of sobbing (on both sides of the door) when I had to close my eyes and tune out my son’s cries for Mommy while I focused on getting a project done.

It often felt like this wasn’t what Helen Gurley Brown had in mind when she published her famous book, Having It All, in 1982. I may have a career and a family, but I often find myself doing it all at the same time.

In 2012, Anne-Marie Slaughter’s article Why Women Still Can’t Have It All shifted the conversation around working mothers. She described stepping back from government work to be closer to her sons and outlined the workplace changes needed to support ambitious women. At the time, I felt smug about my ambivalence toward motherhood. I was climbing the career ladder fast and loving it. Why derail the train with a baby when the ride was so exciting?

Little did I know that a global pandemic would change everything. A decade later, I found myself in a post-COVID world with exactly what Slaughter described: an exciting career with a flexible, remote job that allowed me to be close to the baby I eventually decided I wanted. But I also faced a heavy dose of burnout. The constant pressure to do it all left me feeling drained and losing my ambition.

I’m not alone in this struggle. Many millennial moms are grappling with the collapse of their ambition. From the rise of “lazy girl jobs” to the “death of the girlboss,” and countless stories of ambitious women losing their drive, the trend is well-documented. We even have the concept of the “millennial mom midlife crisis.”

But it’s no surprise. Millennial moms work more than previous generations, spend more time parenting, and often lack support from their own parents. Plus, the astronomical cost of childcare adds another layer of stress. Even with professional flexibility, we’re constantly at capacity.

I reached out to Anne-Marie Slaughter to understand what comes next. She acknowledged progress toward her envisioned workplace, but emphasized that we’re not there yet. While we’ve gained flexibility in where we work, we still haven’t achieved a balance between professional and personal ambition.

Slaughter pointed to major structural changes needed, such as 12 months of parental leave, affordable child care, and better public education. But she also stressed the importance of changing management practices. Face time remains a key performance metric, which disadvantages remote workers. “If you’re in the office, you’re seen as more productive than someone who isn’t,” she said.

McKinsey reports show that women in leadership roles are leaving their positions in record numbers, partly because their efforts aren’t recognized. They take on additional responsibilities like diversity and inclusion work, but it’s not counted toward their performance. This, combined with remote work, can hinder their advancement.

Beyond performance evaluation, Slaughter advocates for “investment intervals” — periods of intense work followed by different choices, such as taking time off or consulting. This allows for a more balanced approach to career and family life.

In my view, we need a shift in how we understand and reward professional ambition. Instead of seeing movement in one’s career as a sign of disengagement, we should think of ambition as a tide — sometimes rolling in, sometimes rolling out. Millennial moms aren’t losing their ambition; they’re simply adjusting to life’s demands.

Slaughter believes that taking a break to have kids or focus on personal development isn’t a career-ending move. However, many workplaces still make it difficult to return to the path once you step off it.

At her company, New America, Slaughter has seen the benefits of a flexible and supportive culture. Hybrid work, paid parental leave, and a “family first” mentality ensure that work gets done without sacrificing personal lives. It also creates opportunities for junior staff to grow and gain visibility.

Slaughter encourages a holistic view of ambition. She sees millennials and Gen Z rejecting the old hustle-culture model, but many are unsure of where to go next. “There’s a sense that the world we knew is coming apart,” she said. “But people know that the traditional path to happiness isn’t likely to work anymore.”

She emphasizes the importance of striving to be a “whole, healthy person” with multiple dimensions to life. “The whole framing of ‘having it all’ makes me uncomfortable,” she said. “It’s time we focus on building workplaces that support the multidimensional lives of all workers.”

As for the millennial mom midlife crises and waning ambition, Slaughter advises patience. “It’s a life passage many go through,” she said. “We’re maturing into our fuller selves, realizing there’s more to life and ambition than climbing a particular ladder.”