Stop Asking Me to Be Your Best Man — I Can't Afford Another Wedding

The Hidden Costs of Being a Groomsman

Being asked to be a groomsman for one of your closest friends should be a joy — the precursor to an unforgettable weekend that you’ll remember forever. But increasingly, those feelings of joy get crushed by a wave of credit-card bills for a wedding that wasn’t even mine. The rising costs of weddings have turned what was once a celebration into a financial burden for many.

The average wedding now costs around $33,000, and attending one can be just as expensive. According to the Knot, a wedding e-commerce site, the average cost to attend a local wedding is $610, while going to an out-of-town wedding now runs $1,680 on average. But if you’re a groomsman at a fancier wedding, especially when the groom is a close friend, the charges don’t stop there.

Expenses can include the cost to rent a tuxedo, the cost of attending the bachelor party, and the cost of getting a more meaningful gift due to the closeness of our relationship. In my case, the groom is not only a childhood friend but also a best friend that has remained close into adulthood. We golf together, call each other on the phone, and rely on each other for advice when making big life choices. This is a relationship I want to maintain throughout my life, but as the expenses rise, guilt over how good a friend I am collides with the financial reality that this wedding could cost me thousands of dollars.

I’ve now spent nearly $4,400 to be a part of my childhood best friend’s upcoming wedding in Georgia. This includes all wedding-related events, not just the wedding itself. Some of them may be more expensive than ones you’ve been to. But when the groom is a good friend and wants to have a pricey bachelor party at a ski resort or a wedding on an island that you need to take a boat to, can I really say no?

There’s evidence that many wedding invitees wish they could do just that. Online wedding-registry platform Zola’s internal research showed that 90% of couples wish it was more socially acceptable to decline an invite to a prewedding event. And 75% of them wished it was more acceptable to decline an invitation to be in a person’s wedding party.

Rising costs are fueling an increase in people declining wedding invitations altogether. One in three Americans said they decided not to attend a wedding in 2024 over cost concerns, up from one in five who said the same in 2016. Posts with thousands of comments on social media platforms show that many are less than overjoyed about being in a wedding party.

“I’d rather use my PTO to go vacation somewhere quiet rather than have to go to all the extra events associated with the wedding,” wrote one poster, who wanted to know if he was a jerk for declining to be a groomsman in a close friend’s wedding. “The problem is I’m not doing well financially and I’d need to use a month’s salary just for a round-way plane ticket,” wrote another user, who described the painful decision to not serve as best man for a childhood friend.

The Financial Toll of Extended Weddings

Another financial issue is that weddings seem to be getting longer — not the length of the ceremony itself, but the number of days where your time and presence are needed. Some weddings, including the one I described above, now have events on Sunday and Thursday, in addition to the traditional Friday-Saturday lineup of rehearsal dinner, ceremony, and subsequent party.

This Georgia wedding will include an 18-hole golf outing with the groomsmen on the Thursday before the ceremony, and a “farewell brunch” on Sunday (which, as far as I know, is free — so I dodged another expense there). Golf is not only expensive to play ($270 for a round), but the outing extends the trip another day as well, which increases lodging costs. Still, it is one of our favorite things to do.

Four days of time is a lot to ask of a wedding guest. Extra activities can make it increasingly costly if guests have babysitting or pet-sitting expenses associated with the trip — not to mention added time off from work, which wasn’t included in this calculation.

How to Control the Cost of Being in a Wedding Party

Of course, there are always ways to save money on wedding festivities. For instance, I’ll try to carpool to and from airports, split my hotel room with a friend, and see if my mom can cut my hair that week instead of my expensive New York City barber.

It also helps to know exactly how much you can reasonably spend before you finalize your plans. Before you start booking travel or buying gifts, decide how much you’re comfortable spending for this wedding, and try to stick to it. That number will look different for everyone depending on finances, where the wedding is, and how close you are to the couple. And that’s OK — an invitation isn’t a bill.

If you are invited to a wedding, whether as a guest or a groomsman, and simply can’t afford to go, then don’t go. The bride or groom will understand if you don’t have the money — especially if they’re a true friend.

At the end of the day, couples invite you to their wedding because they love you — not because of how much you spend. Thoughtful, honest decisions always matter more than financial overextension, and we always encourage guests to celebrate within their means.

Unfortunately for my wallet, my guilt and fear of missing out on the fun won’t let me miss this wedding — I’d probably spend $10,000 to fly to New Zealand and take the 14-day “Lord of the Rings” location tour if that was part of the wedding festivities. But that doesn’t mean I can’t complain about the costs.

And if you think the cost of this wedding is bad, just know that I’ve got four more to go to this year. If you’re just starting out on your money or career journey and have questions about how to navigate your finances, we want to hear from you. Write to Dollar Signs, The News Pulse’s new advice column, at dollarsigns@The News Pulse.